We’re too Exhausted to Ask for Help (Why Asking for Help is Hard with ADHD part 4)

What do we do when we feel too exhausted to even ask for any support? It can be intense and overwhelming to find the words, the person to ask, or the follow through to have the conversation that could lead to support. ADHD or not, we know we need to spend energy to make more energy, but that knowledge doesn't make it a whole lot easier to get the support we need.

One of the problems is that "I'll look for help when I feel better" is often, at best, a downward spiral. Brittany and Colleen see this all the time in their ADHD coaching practices. In order to break the cycle, we sometimes need to decide to allocate energy toward finding support, even if it has a temporary cost somewhere else. These short term sacrifices usually pay off in the long run. And, yes, they can really suck in the short run. It is important to reach out sooner, rather than later. We are likely to have the same or fewer resources as this negative situation persists.

Remember that asking for help does not have to be perfect. As ADHD Coaches, Brittany and Colleen have lots of experience supporting people who only have a vague or general idea of the help they need. But a plan can be made by working together. Lots of other professionals will work with you to figure out the finer details, once you've initially opened the door for a conversation.

It might be too overwhelming to ask for all the help we need in every area of our life at the same time. It’s okay to pick one area to gain momentum. Ideally, select a specific and a relatively small area at first. Sometimes in ADHD Coaching, we call this “chunking down.” As we regain resources from that initial push, that can make it easier to invest resources in the next thing, and so on. It then becomes an upward spiral.

Engaging in self advocacy in order to find the right support can be exhausting: be it the medical system, insurance, or academic system, or any other body we must interface with to get something we need. And perseverance in these areas can become difficult rapidly. Sustaining perseverance and motivation on difficult and/or boring tasks is one of the things folks with ADHD typically struggle with. Even purely functional tasks, such as filling out forms, be at appointments on time, answer or make phone calls can drain us.

In these cases, similar to stating small, start with whatever you have at hand. Maybe the ADHD twitter community or The ADHD Guild or an ADHD friend. This support can hopefully give you enough support to find a coach who can then help you with the next phase, and so on, until you have what you need. Start with little things like asking for someone to brag to about as seemingly small accomplishment, or to make the call with you. Try and stop to celebrate the tiny steps with anyone you can find who will understand what a huge accomplishment it is to even make a phone call some days.