"I Worry about Bothering People!" (Why Asking for Help is Hard with ADHD part 3)

It’s quite amazing and frustrating how often our brains become concerned that we might be ‘bothering’ people. This becomes more intense for folks with ADHD. Even people we have established clearly are in our support network, are committed to our care, or are being employed to provide us with a service can be difficult to ask! Colleen and Brittany have both experienced clients who were hesitant to ask for something that was entirely appropriate to request in the context of the ADHD Coaching relationship for this very reason. There can be a lot of ADHD-related Rejection Sensitivity associated with asking for help when this ‘don’t want to bother anyone’ issue arises. (For more on Rejection Sensitivity and ADHD, check out this video: https://youtu.be/URJGo10KaTQ )

As folks with ADHD, we often struggle with forming effective boundaries, which makes us hyper aware of someone else’s potential boundaries. We worry about causing others unintentional harm by overwhelming them with a request. While it can be awful to feel like we’d be harming someone else, or getting in the way, by asking for their help, it’s important to remember that you cannot have boundaries on behalf of someone else. That’s their job.

To combat these feelings of being in the way or overstepping, first state your intentions clearly and say there is no obligation to follow through with the request. If, after that, the other person chooses to lend us support, that is their decision, and we cannot control that. (And most of the time, they actually don’t mind. Never forget that different people have different strengths and preferred tasks— even between folks with ADHD!)

Establishing what other peoples’ boundaries are early, and ensuring good communication throughout your interactions with them, is key. Especially in the instance where you will be repeatedly asking for help and support from the same person. Asking “what is it I can ask you to do?” is a great question for therapists, coaches, assistants, doctors, professors, teachers, tutors, and anyone else in a position to officially support you.

Social anxiety, mixed with ADHD, can also play a role in our reluctance to reach out and ask for help. This may possibly require therapy when it is very severe and impeding.

For people hired specifically to support us, such as employees to delegate to or assistants, there are other tools to implement so that we aren’t doing the hard part of asking for help all day, all the time. Because the actual asking can actually be viscerally painful with ADHD, how can we reduce that? Perhaps by using a template or an automation to write an email to delegate something. That way we can type fewer keystrokes to ask. This reduces the willpower used to send the message by not writing the full email each time. With ADHD, each keystroke can be a little painful, so removing some amount of contact with the physical act of asking can be beneficial. (Some of this may sound silly, but trust us!)

When we reach out and ask for help, we are forming a connection between us and another person. We are denying others the chance to feel that connection and ourselves the opportunity to feel the gratitude that can come along with being willingly supported in an area of our lives.

Whether your asks are ADHD-related or not, hopefully you’ll start to feel more comfortable asking when you need it!